RSVP Onion Goggles

You might want to put these on before viewing the scorchingly hot people on your new favorite internet hangout, bakespace.

From websites:

RSVP Onion Goggles

Never cry over chopped onions again!

Our Onion Goggles assure tear-free chopping, mincing, dicing and slicing.

Sturdy and light-weight, the goggles shield eyes from burning and irritating onion vapors with a foam seal around the frame, while the anti-fog lense offers clarity and protection.

The Onion Goggles wear like glasses and will fit most face shapes, but will not work over eyeglasses.

And unlike true goggles, they slip on and off easily without disturbing a hair on your head.

To clean, simply wipe the goggles with a lint-free or water-dampened cloth.

A protective storage case is included.

....................

Who's afraid of thiopropanal sulfoxide?

Not you.

White or

Black frames.

$19.99.

If you prefer Amazon, they're $17.95 in Home & Garden.

But maybe you think this whole thing is one big joke.

Well, guess what?

Me too.

So how about I unveil, right now, without further ado, my new line of bookofjoe Quick 'n' Dirty No More Teerz Anti-Cry Onion Chopping Eyewear™?

Exciting, what?

I can hardly feel my pulse, I'm fibrillating so.

But I digress as I palpitate.

Back when I was in college at UCLA and actually entered the kitchen space to prepare food as opposed to nuking it (way, way back — before fire was invented) I occasionally would chop onions.

I didn't like the eye burn any more than you do.

But I was then as I am now and will be forever (for better or worse): simply unwilling to accept the status quo.

And even though I'd not yet encountered Edwin S. Land's powerful thought-focusing epigram — "Solve the problem with what's in the room" — that was pretty much the way I approached most problems.

So one day I brought home my lab goggles from Chemistry 1A or whatever, put them on, and began slicing, dicing and chopping onions.

No tears, no burn.

As Brother Dominic said in the classic Xerox commercial, "It's a miracle."

You can buy goggles just like the ones I used (below)

for $4.30 right here.

They'll work every bit as well as the fancypants version up top — and they're bookofjoe–Approved™.

With a recommendation like that you know they've got to be messed up.

Wait a minute, that can't be right....