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April 26, 2006
Helpful Hints from joe–eeze: Making your glassware sparkle
I was studying my one remaining thin–lipped beer glass a few moments ago and wondering why — no matter how hard I scrub with my Tuffy
and Joy detergent and really hot water and all — I'm simply unable to get the schmutz off the glass.
Once upon a time I had four of these graceful tulip–shaped objects but the bad news about such delicate things is the same as the good news — they're ever so fragile and seem to shatter with the slightest excess of wrongfully–applied pressure.
So I was particulary careful when I decided to take this glass to the next cleanliness level following a sudden bolt of insight while listening to "Black Sweat" from Prince's "3121"
at volume 10/10.
The first thing I did was mute the music so I'd be able to hear the faint squeaks and cries from the glass as I polished it to optical telescope grade perfection.
The insight: use an iKlear* "Klear Kloth" (top) following an initial cleaning of my beer glass with the moist "Apple Polish" sheet that comprises part 1 of the iKlear computer screen cleaning system.
All was progressing beautifully with this new high–end approach to my solitary glass: I held it up in the sunlight and it literally sparkled like a diamond in a rapper's front tooth.
As I marveled at the transparency and beauty of the glass I continued polishing, just because it felt good.
I'm very elemental that way.
But I digress.
I continued rubbing the lip of the glass, oh so thin and transparent, when "crack" — the glass shattered in my hand.
So much for my delicate touch.
But, like the wonderful Arab proverb states, "One door closes, another opens."
So with my beer glass fiasco.
Now is the perfect time to step up to the next level and order a set of Kölsch beer glasses (below) —
"the champagne flutes of the beer world."
Done.
Tell you what: at $8.50 for a dozen glasses (at first I thought I must be reading wrong and the price was $8.50/glass but no, it's for 12) you can't go wrong.
*Official glassware and computer screen kleaner of
"Killer Klowns from Outer Space".
April 26, 2006 at 04:01 PM | Permalink
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Comments
If you have to drink something that dainty and will break simply by polishing them, you need to get rid of them.
My new favorite barware is Crate And Barrel's Linear set:
http://www.crateandbarrel.com/family.aspx?c=150&f=14018
You get about 2 inches of solid hand blown glass with a nice weighty feel. Its professional drunkware, Joe, and you need to get with the program. I prefer the old fashion because while it doesn't hold as much, it gives you an excuse to always hit the bar. "No, I'm not drinking that much, its these damn glasses -- they hold practically nothing," I tells them.
Regardless, bartenders tend to pour more into something that doesn't seem to hold as much. Mixed drinks? I'm use to those cheap bastards giving me a splash of the good stuff while filling up to the rim with the cheap filler. An experiment came out a few years ago that said bartenders generally fill tumblers about 30% more than highballs. I can safely say, I'm hitting the 50% mark. In a smaller glass. Less trips to the restroom where you have to hope you were sober enough to bring your portable and yet reusable toilet cover.
Which leads to the next important need, stability. Tip a couple back and your hands begin to shake. Oh no, not with the Crate and Barrel Linear (tm) old fashioned. Its got the whole first law of motion thing going for it. Newton was on to something. An object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by a greater force. Pretty much means you are going to have to try harder to spill it all over your or the not so hot girl that is paradoxically getting hotter by the drink. I believe that was Newtons 4th law of inverse aesthetics. Let me just tell you, these things are like immovable objects and you have little to worry about with these.
Ignoring the fourth for a moment because you are already finishing a fifth, you just know that someone is going to have to mouth off to you. "Get your tongue out of my wife's mouth", some jerk will say all up in yo grill. "Why you got to be like that?" you reply. For some reason, after downing a bottle of Jack, someone just HAS to mess with you. Try as you might, there is no reasoning with them. "Dear sir, I happened to accidentally trip and fall into your beautiful wife's mouth. I do believe if she hadn't had been there to catch me, I might have made a right fool of myself". And next thing you know, you have to preemptively defend yourself.
Again, Inertia. While it helps to keep things stable, it also helps to keep objects in motion in deterrence of other forces trying to stop them. All you have to remember is Force equals Mass time Acceleration. Don't try to do the math in your head. Just know that your 'champagne steins' ain't going to do the trick. No sir, the Linear will knock a mans hear nearly clean off before absorbing enough energy to come to a rest. You may lose your drink in the process, and that's a mighty shame, but you'll be able to pick this off the floor and fill it back up. Trust me, no one is going to argue with you about this. "The bar is all yours", they tell you as your host whispers if anyone knows the number for nine eleven.
A little spit and polish and its ready to go. Nope, no need for any wussyboy Sparkly crap. This is a mans drinking device and if you can't understand that, please stay outta my way next time I'm drinking unless you need an up-close review of the glass wear.
Folks, that's Crate And Barrel's Linear set which can be found online or in your local metropolitan C&B:
http://www.crateandbarrel.com/family.aspx?c=150&f=14018
Posted by: clifyt | Apr 26, 2006 7:51:50 PM
